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But I Never Studied Law

Ever been driving somewhere for the first time and it seems the universe has had time to both die and be recreated before you actually arrive at your destination? We call this Stacy’s Law of Directional Temporal Duration, as I am always the first one in the car to point out how frigging long it’s taking to arrive, thereby ratcheting up the relative anxiety level of every other passenger in the car.

“Are we lost?”

“Did we miss a turn?”

“Christ, could this road have any more curves??”

The Law is fully realized when you do finally get lost, and turn around to go back the way you came. It invariably takes one-third the previously perceived time to retrace your route. Previous knowledge of this Law in no way decreases its effect.

It’s much the same effect as when you order the fish entree at any restaurant:

“What, did they have to go out back to the creek and throw in a fucking line? Where’s my gotdamned dinner??”

Also known as Dan’s Law of Culinary Ichthyological Delay.

Other handy-to-know laws include:

The Florida Melanin Acceleration Law: The maximum velocity of an automobile driver in Florida is directly proportional to the amount of melanin in their hair.

The Law of Internet Imbecile Infestation: The number of helpdesk tickets you open is inversely proportional to how much you will listen to the answers provided.

The Law of Completely Wasted Tax Dollars: The complexity of government structure is inversely proportional to its efficiency.

Etc., ad nauseum. I could do this all day, but I have, er, things to do. (Also known as the Law of Perceived Work: The more hyperlinks and/or HTML code a weblog post contains, the more interested the author is to finish it off so they can return to their game of WoW or Pro Bass Fishing 2003.)