Finally, tonight American Idol gets out of the pseudo-drama queen pageant and into the actual competition.  And since we’re no longer doing the Idol snark blog, I’m just going to have to do my snarking here.

Onward!

Jackie Tohn:  Oh, honey.  Spandex?  REALLY??  And, booooring.  You gravel-voiced girls, there’s a place for you, but it surely isn’t on *this* show.  (See Amanda Overmyer.)

Ricky Braddy:  Utterly, utterly forgettable.  Next.

Alexis Grace:  Eh.  I can’t believe how the judges slobbered over this girl.  The Irish girls in The Commitments soundtrack did a better version of this song.

Brent Keith:  He’s pretty, and he can sing, so the country music industry should snap him up.  Bucky was not pretty, y’all.

Stevie Wright:  Oh, HONEY.  I missed most of your performance dealing with a mysteriously foaming-at-the-mouth cat, and honestly, I probably had a better time.  (Kitty’s fine, just upset at being accidentally locked in the bathroom all by his widdle self.)

Anoop Desai:  Sorry, I just don’t get it.  He does the R&B crap well enough I suppose, though I generally sprain my finger reaching for the CHANGE  button when that crap comes on my radio.  Seems like a nice boy, but eh.

Casey Carlson:  OH, HONEY.  From the face twitches, to the forced winks, to the apparent shoulder spasms, you just never – and I mean NEVER – need to go near a stage ever again.  EVER.

Michael Sarver:  Gah.  While I am not insensitive to your desire to become something other than a roughneck, I just have two words for you:  community college.  Go.  Do.

Ann Marie Boskovich:  Gack.  Double gack even.  Sing at your cousin’s wedding, ok?  Nothing else.

Stephen Fowler:  Why. Are. You. Here?  

Tatiana del Toro:  I just can’t describe how much I want her to be struck with a lifelong case of bronchitis.  Oh, she can sing well enough, but that Does Not redeem hertwisted antics through the audition rounds.  Bad karma, baby.

Danny Gokey:  Nice voice, some actual soul under that whitebread exterior…but I swear if you plug your wife’s death once more I’m going to suspect you’re trying to sail in on the sympathy vote, son.  Double super bad karma there.

We’ll see what next week’s group has to offer.