We have a very stubborn Boy child. He’s ten now and he has fought and kicked and screamed about doing his homework since frickin’ Kindergarten. But we are nothing if not tenacious, and have learned to manipulate him quite effectively into doing what we expect, with as little resistance as possible. He started fifth grade this year, and the level of homework is absolutely astonishing.
Monday – Write a list of twenty spelling words three times each and study them.
Ok, no big deal there, usually takes him about 10 minutes of writing, then another 15 minutes study time.
Tuesday – Ten math pages. Two pages of word problems. Study spelling words
This is nightmare night. Each page has about 10 to 20 questions on it, in varying forms (ie. equations and word problems). They’ve apparently started algebra already. The word problem pages are crazy advanced for the fifth grade. It is not unusual for homework on this night to take until bedtime (start at 3:30, break for dinner, go to bed around 9).
Wednesday – Four reading question/answer pages. Study spelling words.
This usually takes about an hour and a half. These are typically a breeze for him, but time consuming due to quantity.
Thursday – Write a report on a loosely defined science topic (ie. polymers) for presentation to the class.
He loves this night’s homework, so it isn’t much of a trial, but the handwriting, christ the handwriting… His brain moves too fast for his pencil.
So, the above schedule wasn’t working for me. The full night of math on Tuesday was causing major heartburn for everyone in the family. I have now spread that out two math pages per night (starting Friday night, yes, and working through the weekend), with the other stuff thrown in as it fits. This works for us. Less painful for everyone, and the Boy actually has time to be a kid every day.
Now, with that solved, enter problems the Boy’s teacher. Mr. M is an ex-Marine. Oh good, we thought, because the Boy is very strong willed, and a weak teacher just cannot deal with him (see the utter failure of the touchy-feely Berkeley reject who had zero control over him in third grade). But Mr. M apparently has a problem. He’s retiring next year, and this last year of ten-year old little punkass shits is just more than he can take. Apparently he enjoys screaming at the children on a regular basis. Now, I’ll be the very first to admit that a ten-year old has some amazing manipulative powers, and I’ve screamed at mine at least twice a week since he turned that age, but if a 50-something ex-military person can’t A) maintain class discipline, or B) maintain his own self-discipline, then he should have retired some time ago.
After a report from the Boy last week regarding an issue with an assignment given by a substitute teacher, and a yelling fit by Mr. M which resulted in the Boy being placed in the corner (At his age? Get real!), Husband called the school to speak with Mr. M. Mr. M said to Husband (and I do quote here), “Your son is a slacker in a lot of ways…”
Um, yeah. The Boy has a big brain. And a big will. The teacher HAS to be stronger than he is, or both will suffer. As parents there is not very much we can do about this, other than making sure that whomever is teaching him does not attempt to BREAK him, as this Mr. M seems intent on doing.
Thus, the Husband ventures to the school today to meet with Mr. M, to see precisely where the problem lies. The fact that Mr. M spent most of the day today reminding the Boy that he was meeting with his father tonight, and that Mr. M was going to tell his father all about his transgressions during said meeting, kind of points right to it, doesn’t it.
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UPDATE:
After a nearly two-hour meeting with Mr. M yesterday, here’s the upshot:
- The Boy is intimidated by Mr. M, to the point where he will not ask for help if he doesn’t understand something.
- The Boy is disrupting class with constant chatter, something Mr. M has to get a handle on.
- Mr. M admitted he’d probably “put up a wall” between himself and the boy, out of frustration, whatever. He seemed genuinely contrite about this and vowed to work to repair the problem.
- An extensive talk with the Boy still had him denying everything Mr. M reported regarding his behavior (and can I just tell you that this reflexive lying is really getting on my fucking nerves), yet seems to understand that this could potentially be his favorite teacher ever, with his heavy emphasis on science (which the Boy adores). He’s promised to tabula rasa everything and get his shit together in the classroom.
It’s exhausting, I tell you, this raising kids business. And I know it’s only going to get harder from here, as the hormones start dumping into their systems. I’m not really sure why anyone does this on purpose.
Well, until they spontaneously hug you. 
on 
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 1:30 am
As I’ve gotten older and observed the decay of the US public school system, one thing I always promised myself was that I wouldn’t automatically back either my kid or the school when it came to disputes between the two. It’s too easy to get manipulated in both directions. That turned out never to become an issue for me, but, oh, well. Not saying M isn’t an ass; you would presumably know better than me, because you’ve checked.
As a big brain, one thing I found useful was always taking the hardest classes available. And I still skated most of the time. Another was a complete set of encyclopediae and an unabridged dictionary freely available at home. The internet is nice, but you can’t randomly open it to “J” and read whatever you find. Also, one reason homework may be such torture could be because it’s keeping him from other things. I multitasked my entire academic career: homework plus (in my case) TV, more often than not. I don’t know what he’s avoiding homework in favor of, but if he could manage to do both at the same time with no loss in result (loss in speed is inevitable), maybe that’s an option. Or fast-cycle alternation; ten math problems, one whatever, repeat.
And another thing: a kid’s got to learn when to sit still and do what he’s told. If he’s strong-willed and defiant now, he can easily become a total dick when he’s older. I’m not saying make him a cog in the machine. But he needs to be able to fit in the machine when circumstances require a cog and he’s the only part available. If only because he’s not always going to get to be in charge later. Better he learn that young.
There. There’s my unsolicited and wholly theoretical child-rearing advice.
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 10:23 am
As another non-breeder with no place to give advice, I’ll second most of that. Especially taking the hardest classes possible, and the non-virtual encyclopedias. I’d have a completely different personality if we didn’t have our World Book set when I was a kid. The inability to stop reading it helped manage my adhd too.
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 10:48 am
@David:
We have fought this battle before, and have worked REALLY hard to tread the line between the kid and the teacher. And in every case, including this one, the truth has fallen somewhere in between them.
Husband had an hour and a half meeting with Mr. M yesterday, asked him the tough questions and told him exactly how the Boy was perceiving him. Mr. M, to his credit, was dismayed that the Boy was intimidated by him, that anyone would think he didn’t care about his kids. He has admitted that he probably “put up a wall” between himself and the Boy and has vowed to work to breach it. The man has 30 years in teaching, so we’re going to have to trust that he isn’t some kind of monster and that someone would surely have noticed before now.
Agreed to the hard classes. We’ve told every single teacher that the Boy has to be challenged every single second or he’ll get bored and then the trouble starts. The Boy goes to Alpha (advanced) classes every three days, missing regular classwork for this, during which time they work on lateral thinking exercises. (He cannot continue in these classes, of course, if his regular schoolwork suffers.)
Anyway, we remain involved and paying attention to what’s going on, in class and with his work. That’s about all we can do…just make sure both the teacher and the Boy know we are WATCHING EVERYTHING. It’s parents that don’t pay attention who will pay, and pay with their child’s future.
Agreed as well that the Boy has to learn when to STFU and be still. And he knows we will back the teacher 2000% percent on that shit.
No to the multitasking for him…both children will willingly subsume their personality within the Goddamn Noisy Box given half the chance. Maybe down the road, but certainly not right now.
I know exactly how his brain works, because mine does the same thing. I, too, skated through all my classes, never had to work very hard at all. (Which left me drastically unprepared for college but that’s another show.) When the work is that easy, it’s terribly hard to keep your concentration on it. I sympathize with the Boy, but that doesn’t mean he gets to dick off.
@Tanya:
I, too, cherished our Encyclopedia set when I was in school, but I shiver to think what it would have been like had I had Google (yes, in a good way). And dost thou know the cost of a full set of encylopedias??? Fuckinell, I’d have to go whore myself.
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Man, I empathize with mine. Your boy sounds just like mine (attitude, boredom with work, manipulativ..). I wasn’t hard enough on him at ten and I’m paying for it now. Good for you for facing the teacher head on AND taking the bull by the horns with the boy. Yes, it does get harder as the hormones kick in. But I’m pretty confident that if anyone can handle this, it’s you.
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 12:43 pm
I still have ours. I’d send them to you, but bits like East Germany and the USSR would probably not help with learning…
I’m glad you cleared it up, especially the intimidation part. Mr M sounds like he has promise.
on Oct 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Nana gave him the set my brother and I used to use, but like you say, the information is dated.
He really does. I sincerely hope the Boy can realize that.